Invisible Disabilities- Why do they matter?

Raising a child with an invisible disability in a world of judgement and comparison, is one of the hardest things to do as a parent. Having a child that is different from the “norm” is challenging. Not always because of the child, the child is wonderful and perfect in so many ways. It is challenging to raise a child with an invisible disability because of society. Society’s pressures. Society's beliefs. Society's opinions. Society’s judgements. 

What do I mean by invisible disability? 

An invisible disability is a disability that others cannot see or recognize just by looking at the person. Many times, the invisible nature of the disability may not even be apparent when having conversations with the person. Sometimes, the only way to know someone has an invisible disability is by hearing and understanding their internal experiences. Anyone can have an invisible disability - it does not discriminate by age, gender, race, class, etc. For the purpose of this blog, I will be talking about children with invisible disabilities, specifically ADHD and Autism. 

ADHD. Autism. Everyone has heard of these terms, but no one truly understands what they mean. Not until you have a child with one of these diagnoses or are diagnosed yourself. Even then, often people are not given enough information about what these diagnoses TRULY mean. These diagnoses continue to be misunderstood, stereotyped, and not believed.  

When having a child who is cognitively average or above average, the invisibility of their disability is often quite significant. They are often “smart”, “capable”, “kind”, “social”, (or any other positive trait). Their disability goes unnoticed and unbelieved by many. They mask, they mimic, they try desperately to fit in, in order to not feel so “different”. They then unmask, unload, and release all their built up emotions and overwhelm once home, in their safe place. 

Have you ever experienced a time when you could not WAIT to get home? Maybe you were at a party, a social event or a work meeting. You hid some of your true feelings, you put on that fake smile, you adapted to the people around you? Then at the end of the night, when you’re finally in the comfort of your own home, you let out a big sigh of relief- ahh I can now be fully myself, I can relax. This is what it means to mask. 

Masking is not an “abnormal” thing. Everyone masks to some degree. I am a different person as a therapist, than I am as a friend, than I am as a parent. I am different at work than I am at home, than I am in my social life. Masking, however, for people with an invisible disability is different. Masking in Autism and ADHD is not just easily adapting to the situation that you are in. 

Masking in Autism/ADHD can include: 

• Consciously or unconsciously hiding parts of yourself in order to fit in

• Spending a lot of mental energy trying to demonstrate skills cognitively that intuitively happen for other people

• Rehearsing conversations ahead of time, practicing what to say and how to respond

• Mimicking others facial expressions or gestures

• Constantly monitoring yourself to avoid interrupting or coming across as rude

• And many more 

As I am sure you can imagine, there is a great level of cognitive fatigue that comes from masking for people with an invisible diagnosis. This can result in burn out, shut down, withdrawal, anxiety, depression, etc. This is why invisible diagnoses STILL MATTER. Yes, people may be able to “appear neuro-typical”. Yes, people may “seem fine”. Yes, people may have many great qualities about them. This does not mean they don’t have an invisible disability. We don’t know the internal experiences another person is experiencing. We don’t know how hard the person is having to work in order to not show their disability externally. 

The judgement placed on parents of children with invisible disabilities is one of the hardest things to see, hear, and experience myself. I don’t want to try to PROVE there is something “wrong” with my child, and sometimes it feels like I have to in order for them to be understood. As a child therapist, I hear it ALL. THE. TIME. Parents saying “I feel crazy”, “They are a completely different kid at school”, “I feel like no one believes me”  OR “I’m told I need to be harder on them”,  “the teacher thinks there is something happening at home”, “people give me the impression that they think it’s my parenting”. 

Imagine having a child with asthma and continuously being told “they don’t seem asthmatic”, “Are you sure they have asthma?”, “there must be something wrong with your parenting to cause those episodes”. That is what it can feel like as a mama of a level 1 autistic or ADHD child. The comments and remarks come from well meaning and kind people who just don’t know enough about these invisible disabilities. 

Sensory avoidance looks like defiance 

Misunderstanding social cues looks like rudeness 

Overstimulation looks like problematic behaviour 

Executive function challenges looks like laziness 

Cognitive rigidity looks like attitude

Difficulty initiating tasks looks like procrastination

Time blindness looks like irresponsibility

Forgetfulness looks like not caring

Asking clarifying questions looks like challenging authority

Emotional dysregulation looks like overreacting

Literal thinking looks like being argumentative

Difficulty with transitions looks like stubbornness

Interrupting looks like selfishness

Inconsistent performance looks like not trying

The list could go on. What I am trying to show is that many of the traits of Autism and ADHD are misunderstood. Behaviours that are labeled as purposefully defiant or manipulative are often signs of overwhelm, unmet needs, non-acquired skills, processing differences, executive function challenges, or attempts to cope. 

When we shift our perspective from punishment to curiosity, from judgment to understanding, we change the narrative for children. This shift creates environments where children are more likely to regulate, learn, communicate, and develop positive self-esteem rather than masking themselves to survive an environment that was not designed for them. 

Understanding invisible disabilities does not mean removing expectations or accountability. It means recognizing that support, accommodations, co-regulation, explicit teaching, flexibility, and compassion are often far more effective than shame or discipline. Children do well when they can. When we understand the reason behind the behaviour, we are better able to help them succeed without asking them to stop being themselves. We are better able to teach them the skills they need. We are better able to support them.

The next time you see a child behaving in a certain way, I challenge you to remember this blog. Remember that there are reasons behind behaviour. Remember that invisible disabilities are real. Remember that internal experiences can be a lot different than external behaviour. Believe other parents- they know their child best. Challenge yourself to get curious about what is happening rather than placing the immediate judgement.

Written by:

Erica Haas

ADHDer and AuDHDer (Autism + ADHD) mama

MSW, RSW, RECE

Co-Owner of CommYOUnity